Finish the Drill !

The Completed Project

     The last few weeks, My partner and I have been using our spare time at Engine 12 to work on a special project. It's nothing spectacular, but several months ago, we were looking at the pathway that leads to our training center. This area is the first thing visiting departments see when they arrive here, their first impression of our department. We thought it could use some "dressing up". My Partner was able to secure a flag pole for the station, plus some donated materials from his second job, and a close friend. With nothing but a vision of what this should become, we began working; sometimes long into the night.

Bobby and I "@ work" 

This is what we envisioned.
   Candidates crossing the apron ( The concrete pad in front of the station) would approach the pathway to the training center and see in front of them an entryway... two Small pillars, with low walls of fieldstone and masonry that vanish back into the hillside.The top of the Plaques are adorned, one with the Fire department/ training center logo; the other with a motivational quote. As they trudge up the hill, they'll first cross a tiled "landing area" of fieldstones cut and arranged into a Maltese cross pattern with Engine 12's number in the center. Beside this landing area, we created a pedestal... the American flag flies proudly above, a statue of a firefighter standing vigilant beneath. We hoped it would be inspirational. The simple truth is that during the hours of training in full turnout, or in the early hours of  morning, our work will probably go unnoticed. But we knew this when we began. So why do it ? Let's come back to this question a little later.

  "The Project" began to take on a life of it's own. Somehow, ( Hard to believe I know) we had grossly underestimated the amount of work involved. The weather turned cold. The mortar didn't want to set. We ran out of supplies, and we kicked in our own money and our off time. At times it was very frustrating. Some days one of us would not really be interested in working, sometimes both of us would be frustrated with the whole thing. But we pressed on, and now as the project nears completion, we have a sense of pride in the work it took, the thing we created with our hands; for our department and fellow firefighters.

   Now, let's revisit that question of "why do this?" On most days, yes it will probably go unnoticed. But I know ( because I've been there) there will be days when a firefighter ( maybe me) will be walking to the training center; cold or hot, wet, hungry, and exhausted. In his mind the question will arise, "I don't feel like being out here, we just did this, why are we doing this ... AGAIN ?"  He'll look up, and see the entry way, the vigilant firefighter on guard beneath our flag, the pride in that Maltese cross. His eyes will drift to the department logo emblazoned to his left, and then over to the pillar on his right. Engraved on a small plaque will be a phrase that reminds him- " Don't give up. Finish the drill. Do it again. Then when you've finished that, Do it again." He'll pause for a moment, maybe reflect... drawing from the reserve of determination that flows deep within all of us, he'll pat the statue on the helmet with his wet gloved hand, and trudge slowly up the hill to the training ground. Onward... TO DO IT AGAIN.

   And this is what it's about. That firefighter. Because all of us know that one day, someone may be counting on US to go just a little bit further, hold on a little bit longer. To finish the drill.Because Firefighters... REAL Firefighters... don't practice until they get it right. They practice until they can't get it wrong.


  "Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not a trait but a habit.

Thanks for reading, and GOD bless. 

Like a Boss

On August 24^th, The Hampton Fire Department hosted it’s first “Hampton Hometown Heroes” 5K. The race benefited firefighters Catlin Schroyer and Jordan Eaddy., both of whom are battling serious medical issues.

Kaila Bishop, Jordan Eaddy's fiancee' poses with the guys.

Several firefighters from site had already decided to run together in a show of support, when Firefighter Tony Smiley, who had participated in previous runs wearing full turn out gear, suggested this option to the group.

The entire group agreed this would be a great idea, either because we lacked appropriate amounts of intelligence, or perhaps because Smiley could sell ice water to a drowning man. Since we are firefighters I think a decent argument could be made for the first reason. It kind of reminds me of what my dear old Granddad used to say, looking at me and slowly shaking his head; “Boy” he would say, “If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.”

 Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Half way point. The red headed Guy is Alex Murray, Burton Fire.

Seriously, Why did we feel the need to wear “turn-out”, almost 60 extra pounds of gear, on a 3.1 mile run ? I can’t speak for everyone, but Jordan’s story inspired me. Several months ago, Jordan received a very grim prognosis, and at a point when most people would have just given up, he instead adopted a neon, lime-green slogan that simply says “Like a Boss”; a catchy little phrase that doesn’t indicate what you intend to do, but rather how you intend to do it. This was how he intended to fight his illness, and how he continues to fight it even today. Jordan decided he was going to fight “Like a Boss”. How then could we; his “brothers”, not run the same way?

You could say the story here is about accepting challenge, and forging ahead even when the outcome is unpredictable, or worse yet, all too predictable. But it’s also about Firefighters Loretta Williams (She was there on her birthday!) and Christopher Foster, who refused to cross the finish line until we did. They waited for us, then ran that last stretch to the finish alongside the formation, cheering us on.It's about Alex Murray, who did a lot of legwork (pun intended) to help this run happen, put his gear on and ran with us, and is now assembling firefighter runners from all over to run for "code 3 for the cure" a non-profit Cancer support group.  It’s about Firefighters, Law Enforcement, and EMS workers from all over the south coming together for a common cause. Just people helping people, in whatever way they feel most capable.

And then there's this:In the Facebook support group page for Jordan, there is a video of our finish. In the comments, Laura Eaddy said that her Brother watched the video and said “Those guys are awesome.” And for me, that’s what it’s really about. 

I like to think that for just a moment, Jordan was just as inspired by our effort as our effort was inspired by him.

SRSFD Firefighters Jay Evans, Christian Logan, Dwayne Sanford, Tony Smiley, and Phillip Weathers. 

                                                                       

Diary of a Divorcee, Part 1

  Even now, sitting here in front of this screen; I am unsure of EXACTLY what it is that I am doing. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay, because I have seen with my own eyes the elephant in the room.

ELEPHANT?
   
  Yeeeessss,  I guess it could have been a Gorilla, but I prefer to think of it as an elephant. A gorilla may or may not be out of place, depending on what kind of party it is, but an elephant? Elephants definitely DO NOT belong in the parlor. And even though he doesn't belong, the majority of us would be more content to distribute our guest's tea cups around the elephant, maybe cover him with a doily... anything to avoid discussing his presence. But he's not going away just because we refuse to deal with him.

So what is this Elephant, Phillip ?

I'm glad you asked. The Elephant is simply the number of real Christian men and women who, for whatever reason, suddenly find that they are now divorced.   WHOAA!!!! Wait a minute... Stay with me. I'm not here to discuss the biblical obligations, or the ramifications of divorce. I'm not willing to get wrapped up in a debate about ethics
.
This is about people.

Maybe not "YOU", maybe it's other people;but it's people that no matter what side they were on, are REALLY  hurting. People that want to know that someone else understands the way they are hurting, and has felt the same wash of anger, frustration, and bitter loss.
 I have often thought someone should tell these people they are not alone, should NOT be concerned with how they themselves will be perceived. They should lower their guard, let people think what they will, and hope that their laughter, or tears, makes them feel a little less alone.They should understand this need, hear it begging to be filled, and step up to the plate. Someone should.

   I didn't want to be that person. Not because I didn't want people knowing what was going on with Phillip or because I was worried what they might think about me. 
Oh,..Wait --  It was for precisely those reasons.
Regardless, I will still do this, even if everyone I know hates it.  I will not try to teach any lessons or show anyone how to do things better. This is my life. This is real. I've been there too. Draw your own conclusions.   Let's begin with this date...... and boy was it a doozey

1/23/09

   Today. Today began like most others, with a sunrise. The alarm goes off (mine really makes the MOST annoying set of beeps in the whole world.),  It starts off at a low volume, a steady beep-beep, beep-beep.  The beeps seem to say: "get-up, Phil -up".  The longer it goes unattended the louder it gets... building to somewhere between the neighbor's dog barking, and a jet engine. BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP!!, BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP!!!! "GET-OUTTA- BED!" "WHO CARES-THAT-YOUR- DEPRESSED!!!".  I lay there until there's a knock on the door. It's the neighbor's dog. He's annoyed because he's trying to sleep and my alarm is keeping him up.

   So I get up. I go to my second job today, a job I took because I couldn't handle the days I was spending alone, and because it pays me money.
The night before, I had called the EX. She thought she had kidney stones and no longer has health insurance. She doesn't have health insurance because I refused to pay for her insurance after the divorce. We get along for the most part, but I (much to my chagrin) had taken her insurance away right after the divorce. I didn't take anything from our home and I let her have whatever terms she asked for. I NEVER wanted to be divorced, and the pain was too much,.. I couldn't fight her.
 I carried enough guilt without that. I KNOW  that for the last two years of our marriage, I did absolutely nothing to remind her how special she was, or to love her the way Christ loves the church. I had resented the fact that she stayed home with the kids while I worked two jobs, and still struggled to make ends meet.
I resented her, because everything I did was for her, and I knew that I wasn't getting it done. If I wasn't getting it done, it couldn't be my fault right? It had to be because of the demands I perceived were being leveled at me, to give more, make more, get better things, not for me, but for her.
Demands which, just by the way, she never actually verbalized. I found out later, these expectations were phantoms.When she pointed out that she had never asked me for those things, I could only reply  "But that's what I FELT I had to do... I knew you deserved better than what I was giving."
 When I found out that another man was in the picture, spending more time with my children than I did, I was furious. I stormed into H.R. at my job, and with a stroke of the pen, snatched away her insurance. I could have simply asked her to reimburse me. She would have. But I didn't. I was angry, and I reacted. And Now, I am Ashamed.

  As I get ready for work, the conversation of the previous evening echoes in my head. Hearing the pain in her voice, my kids playing in the background. I had gotten on the phone with them, told them how much I missed and loved them, and then I cried... alone. I miss my children... A LOT. I know they don't understand, and they hurt too. I know WE  are responsible for that, And I am ashamed.   When we got off the phone, I had offered to take the children, even though I also heard her boyfriend in the background. I fought down anger, and then resentment, and offered anyways. Not a real sacrifice. They are my children.  And even though I've had them 4 days out of the last week, I would take them again. The brief periods when they are with me are the brightest spots in my "divorced life."

   She said she would call back and never did. So I called her this morning. No answer. I brush it off and go to work.  I work part time for the family YMCA, in the water, four hours at a time, doing therapy with autistic children and patients with spinal cord injuries, or illnesses that make conventional land therapy impractical.I am NOT a therapist, but I work for one.   The day is full, and just distracting enough so I don't really have to think much about the EX/SICK/KIDS situation. It's over quickly.  I fill another hour or so working out in the gym before I go home.
 On the way home, I see that I've missed a call from her, so I call back.    She answers this time, And I am overwhelmed with sympathy. She sounds pitiful. I want to drive to where she is, and take her o the hospital myself. Instead, I get on the interstate and head home. She says she knows I have to work at the fire station tomorrow , and doesn't want me to get the kids. She has help she says. I hear him in the background. He's playing X-box with my stepson, and they are laughing and talking in excited tones.I feel like an outsider looking into the world that should have been mine, and I feel alone. So I ask to speak to Jaime (my stepson), and as he's telling me he loves me, I hear something else.

     I can visualize what happened. My youngest (two) has strolled up to the television and displaying his knack for mischief has gotten in the way of the screen, or hit a button to change the channel. In a loud voice, I hear "this guy" say "UN-UH!".
 He's correcting my son!! .my blood boils.
I try to hold it together, but when my EX is back on the phone I tell her what I intend to do if I EVER hear him raise his voice to my kid again. I ask her to handle the situation, but she hangs up on me.In my anger, I've completely forgotten how sick she is, how little she needs this right now.
  A second later the cell rings, and it's her number.
 I answer, but it is most definitely not her. "THIS GUY"  is confronting ME, saying he didn't do that and now-- WELL-- Now it's on. Like Donkey Kong.

  Trying to refrain from verbiage that could land me in jail, I inform "the guy" that I HEARD HIM say "UN-UH" to my child  (is this sounding ridiculous to anyone yet?) and he had better never address me again, in any fashion.I'm so angry I'm shaking. I hang up. 
 What just happened? It was so quick, I don't even know. I know I'm angry, angrier than I've been in quite a while.
As my blood pressure returns to normal, I know something else.

 I know that what I just did is sin.

Later on I pray, and ask God to forgive me. He lets me know that I have to ask the same of this man and my EX. So I text message an apology... it is all I can do at the time. I can't fix this, and I feel helpless, lonely, and  ashamed.
I have just failed to be Christian in a situation where it could have made a world of difference.   Why?  Because he said "un-uh" to my kid.
WOW... Phillip, way to blow things out of proportion.

   Tonight I try to remind myself that we all fail sometimes, and that God is merciful. But today, I know that I could have done better, and I am ashamed. I tell myself I am only human, and mistakes happen. It sounds lame, even in my ears. Today I confused emotions, allowed myself to be reactive, and severely crippled my witness. 
Why? 

Because someone whose presence I resent told my child "un-uh." Tonight I AM ASHAMED.

I Think Jesus was a Firefighter

All across America today, thousands upon thousands of times; the tones have "dropped" and men and women have scrambled into their gear, climbed aboard apparatus, and screamed off down the street to someone else's emergency. The reality is that whatever is happening down there, at the end of the "Run", really isn't their business anyways. So why do they do it ?

I have often struggled to explain to others what it means to me to be a firefighter. 

When someone asks: "What made you want to be a firefighter ?" or " What makes it worth it ?" I don't often know what to say.

The second question is especially difficult, because it references more than one issue - long hours away from home, low pay, and even things as far reaching as paying that ultimate price. I always wanted to answer, and answer well, but the words fail. It's not that I don't know, it's just that I don't know how to put in words what I feel inside, what I think, concerning this thing called firefighting. Maybe this will clear things up a little.

The other day I stumbled across the picture above, something I had read long ago, and forgotten. In a moment the disconnect between words and emotion was bridged. I read it over and over again, and want to share it with you now. It is important for one simple reason. Every man or woman who truly wishes to be a firefighter, aspires to the profession for these reasons. 

In the excerpt above, Chief Croker eloquently puts down these essential elements of understanding what firefighting is about. Allow me to unpack it.

1.) "Everything is destroyed by fire." Fire Destroys everything --it is as sure as any physical law. Provide it three things, fuel, oxygen, and heat, and it will exist, and it will continue to exist until it has consumed all of it's fuel. It is described in the new testament as being the way this world ends.(2Peter3:12) We know that nothing.... NOTHING, is "flame proof".... it's only " flame resistive" . Everything will burn once it's hot enough.

2.) " We strive to preserve from destruction the wealth of the world..."-- For the good of society, things that are valuable must be protected from destruction.The world of man collapses when The Good things of man; what he has created for the betterment and/or enjoyment of all, is destroyed. In a broader sense, If the good that man does is taken away, then what is left is only chaos and confusion.

3.) " But, above all; our proudest endeavor is to save the lives of men- the work of God himself." -
 Life is to be preserved, if possible, at all costs. Not just because it is valuable to us individually, but because it is the gift of God. Man is valuable to God, the Creator. Man is the only thing in the creation story that God took the time to fashion with his own hands... everything else he spoke into existence.

Condensed, the whole idea looks like this: I see the good in what man has created, and recognize his individual worth to God. I will gladly stand between these, and their ultimate destruction in this physical world, because if he were physically here, that is exactly what God would do.....would do? It's exactly what he did.

In the garden, the serpent hated Man. He knew the law that existed, and what God had said would happen to man if he broke that law. He knew God couldn't lie, and all he had to do to assure man's destruction was to get him to eat of the tree. And so he did.

What should have happened next was the absolute destruction of man,  the end of all humanity... the serpent laughing evilly in the background.

But what actually happened was this: The word of judgement was spoken. Fire fell from heaven to destroy the man God had created. The demon laughed... and then stopped suddenly, laughter frozen on his lips.

Across space and time a new sound was heard. For just a moment the sounds of angels singing above a tiny stable in Bethlehem sounded like the distinctive highs and lows of station tones. As all heaven grew silent,  the king of Glory vacated his throne, and stepped into the "Turn out" gear of his own mortal flesh. Without consideration for himself, he responded; and took his place between humanity and fire. 

Maybe that's overly simplistic, and a little "out there" for most people. But to me that's simply how it went down. There was no reason for God to come to man's rescue. He didn't have to, but he wanted to. His love for his creation made it "worth it". And in my mind, there is nothing more noble, nothing better served than the thing that is closest to the heart of God.
The serpent had it right; and at the same time, completely wrong. There was no way to avoid the natural consequence of Fire...  But the heart of GOD is the heart of the firefighter.


"No man is worth his salt who is not ready at all times to risk his well being, to risk his body, to risk his life, in a great cause." 
                                                                                                                -Theodore Roosevelt

He's never failed me.

"Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever." -Hebrews 13:8

It's been a while since I've sat down at the computer and written anything here. More than "awhile", actually it's been better than 4 months. I feel like I owe an explanation to anyone who may be reading this now. It's not that I don't want to write, or like I haven't tried... there are at least three drafts on my dashboard that I've started and abandoned. It's not because they weren't good topics, or because I ran out of words, but rather because those words seemed to lose value coming from me.

I am exactly what my profile says, a simple guy - a firefighter that's been through a lot, seen a lot, failed a lot. Those things would seem to mean that I should have a lot to say, or lessons to lend, or experiences to share... but the reality is that they mean the exact opposite. If I had to learn those lessons for myself, then what gives me the right to tell anyone else anything ? The truth you may need in the exact same situation may be different than the truth I had to find... God is incredible in this one fact- When you seek him in your life, your relationship... He will be exactly what you need to fill the voids left by your failings and inadequacies. He doesn't fail.

Somewhere this became me sharing... which is good, but somehow it became me sharing me... which is bad. The truth is my view, my truths are skewed by my perspective, by my position, and by my character, which may not be the same as the person's reading this. So let me share the one thing that is the same.

There was a lady who was very influential in my early adulthood. Her name was Francis Duvall, but we just called her "Granny Doll". I can see her now sitting in the pew a few rows up, her gray and white hair twisted up in traditional Pentecostal style. When the choir would sing that old song "  He's never failed me yet, he's never failed me yet... " I would hear Granny Doll's voice singing along, ... " He's never failed me ...., He's never failed me.... " her little hands raised in worship. One day I asked her why she left off the "yet" at the end of those lines in the chorus. She looked at me, her face growing very serious. " Because Phillip, the "yet"should never have been there." I remember her taking both my hands in hers, and saying " If I say He's never failed me yet, then the yet means that somewhere down the road, he might fail me... but he won't, because he can't." she sighed. " Jesus never fails... And That's why I sing it that way."

I can't write from a perspective of knowing anything except the truth that Jesus shares, the truth that He is. And I can't relate my experiences or knowledge to anything other than this truth. He loves us, and He NEVER fails.

"That dog won't hunt."

I love being southern. Ingrained in my "make-up" are things like grits and gravy, collard greens, "yes ma'am and no-sir", and of course, country music. One of my favorite things about being southern is the use of colloquialisms in our everyday conversation. Sentences like " That dog won't hunt", which refers to any unworkable situation, such as dragging your "bird" dog out into the field, and discovering that he has suddenly had an acute attack of conscience, and now refuses to "bird". Or maybe this one: That _____, ( insert noun of choice) was fit to be tied."  This one indicates a state of perplexity approaching "shock and awe".... Where it comes from, I have no idea.

My favorite one is one my Mother's Father was fond of using. I often heard him use this one in describing certain " churches", or "Christians" whose performance was deemed not to be " Up to snuff" ( What does that one mean?!) by whomever he happened to be conversing with. Inevitably, Grandpa would hear about someone doing something " UN-christian", and he would slowly shake his head and say: " You can write hen-house over the door, but that don't mean there's any chickens inside." I always assumed this was a commentary on hypocrisy, until I stopped to remember Grand-pa's story.

Just for background purposes, He had grown up during the era of the great depression, to a family which consisted in part of 12 siblings... That's a lot I know, but one has to remember that there weren't a whole lot of entertainment options in those days.
  Lacking the most basic of necessities was common place, and doing without was just a way of life. I can't imagine what it was like back then, when hope was scarse, and hard work was made less tolerable by an empty belly. I imagined the first time a runny nosed, barefoot, little kid in the foothills of Virginia heard those words, and what caused him to commit them to memory.

Maybe the saying is less about people pretending to be something they are not, and more about a little boys' hopefulness that there's an answer for the hunger he and the rest of the nation are feeling... and that in a world full of empty " hen-houses" somewhere out there, there's one with some chickens inside.
Maybe I should view Gramps' words not as a justification for criticism, but as an admonition to make sure if I am writing "hen-house" over my door, when a hungry, little, tow-headed boy comes sniffing around he is delighted to find that there is hope, and that despite previous disappointments, that here, at last, there are chickens inside.

"FORREST WAS RIGHT."

"... Momma says you can tell alot 'bout people by they shoes. Where they goin'.... Where they been. Momma was a smart woman." -- Forrest Gump, esq.


Forrest was right. You can tell a lot about people just by looking at their shoes. Think about shoes for just a minute. Sometimes shoes tell us who a person is... When you think about a construction worker, does your mind picture heavy steel toed boots ? Firefighters in our "side zip" station boots ? How about nurses ? Personally, I can't think of anything other than those shoes that look like rocking chairs ( Shape- ups ?) or maybe crocs... when I draw a mental image of any medical professional. OK, Phil, we get it... The investment banker doesn't head off to his "9-to-5"  in hiking boots, and the park ranger at Yosemite doesn't wear wingtips to work... what's your point ?

Glad you asked.

Shoes help us identify more than just an individuals profession. Shoes tell us what someone is "fixin' " ( southern word, adv. means the same thing as "about to".) to do. They speak about someone's activity. A hiker's boots say he is trail bound, the jogger's light weight sneaker means he's "fixin" to run. Slip on dress shoes, and you're headed to something besides physical activity, maybe business or church.

fossilized human footprints

What's most interesting is not so much the shoes, and what they say about the wearer, and his or her activity,  but how they transfer the identity of the wearer to the environment. Each shoe has unique characteristics, and will leave a unique footprint... a footprint specific to the wearer. A man with a limp will tend to drag the affected extremity, smudging the print on that side, and and creating a drag mark as the foot leaves the front of the print. ( LAW AND ORDER, baby.) The runner's stride opens the distance between prints, and the push off from the toes digs an even deeper impression into the turf. In this way, we can tell as much about the wearer by the prints they left, as we can by the individuals selection of footwear.

Sometimes footprints are transient, like in the sugary sand of low tide,  sometimes permanent like this picture . Scientists were astonished to discover these... laid down in the same mud as dinosaur prints. Interesting, no ?
As we navigate through life, we too leave footprints along the way, indelible impressions on our environment, impressions on the souls around us. Think of every interaction between ourselves and other people as a " footprint". What are your prints saying about you ?

A few days ago I left a foot print... a young man said something I took objection to, and I retaliated by " jumping on him with both feet". ( not literally) I later realized that the footprint I had left didn't say that "a christian has come this way."... quite the opposite. Instead of an even steady gait, it was hurried, messy... digging deeply into someone elses turf, and leaving them with an impression of me that will most likely hang around a while. I regret it, but like a real footprint, it's hard to hide once the impression is there.

Why Me, God?

 


  The wind rushed across the hilltop and scampered into the valley below, a gleeful child rushing headlong into mischief. It paused only long enough to inspect the Old Man on his way upwards, ruffling his clothes and tugging playfully at his beard before it raced away. The breeze was wonderful against his skin for just a moment, and then; like most things, was gone.  He paused, looking in the direction the wind had gone. After a moment, he sighed, and slowly began to climb again.   The summit was only a little further. The Old Man stumbled across the last few feet of jagged rock, His lungs burning, tongue thick with thirst. The only thing holding him upright was a long walking stick held in his right hand. His left hand, still remarkably steady; pushed his beard back down against his chest.

  His breathing came ragged as the Old Man turned westward, into the setting sun. There before him lay a winding river, it's crimson sparkles a tribute to the majestic sunset before him.  A fish lept near the far bank, the ripples it set off flashing crimson, then ruby, then dark, in a slowly expanding circle.A few large water birds moved awkwardly through the shallows, until startled by something moving along the bank. Instantly,they bounded upwards into even more ungainly flight, wings flapping desperately for altitude. The two small deer that emerged from the brush lowered their heads to drink, unaware of the disturbance they had caused.

  The land past the river rose gradually upward, gentle hills, nothing like the jagged slope he had just traversed. A forest spread northward from these hills, deep green and healthy; He could almost smell the heady scent of the cedars that reached out of it's heart.  Away to the south, everything was a lush, beautiful green, the deep color that resonates in the souls of Shepherds and farmers alike. It was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

  He drew a deep breath through his mouth, the breath one might would expect from a man that had just climbed the grade behind him. But this breath had nothing to do with physical conditioning. It was an impulse created by something entirely different.  It was a sound that had started in the wind, creeping into his consciousness, becoming,... a voice.The voice was soft but easily discernible, warm and firm. It was a voice the Old Man knew, and was comfortable with, but this moment of recognition had always left him breathless. Even now, hearing the voice in his ears; he was aware of things that he had not noticed before. For instance, His ears heard the voice, but could tell no direction. And the voice echoed; no,... it flowed through him... like he was hearing it not just in his ears, but also with his heart.  The voice was speaking... the voice of GOD.

"Have You seen enough?" There was nothing in the voice that hinted of the import of the statement, but the Old Man's heart leapt within him. He knew what he was being asked, And his heart stretched toward that horizon, eyes straining to drink in every detail of the scene before him.  40 years he had been longing for this place. Wishing to be right here, the people below, the promised land beyond. He would plot a way to cross, and they would move to claim the promise of Abraham; a land flowing with milk and honey. That had been the plan...until two days ago.

   Slightly more than 48 hours ago the voice of God had spoken to him, telling him he would never set foot in the land before him.  He would never own a piece of the promise he had carried for forty plus years. His dream was destroyed. There would be no peaceful retirement, No Bountiful farm by the banks of that river. His heart ached to taste it, touch it, smell "IT". He longed to experience it with something other than his eyes, someway to burn it into his soul.  Hadn't "HE" led these people out of Egypt? Hadn't "HE" laid his life on the line over and over again for these people, negotiating against their destruction with Almighty God Himself?  Why was it he had been singled out ? Why had he been deemed unworthy to hold his dream? "WHY ?"

Did these questions actually burn in the heart of Moses? When he heard God's voice, did Moses  choke on the WHY? When God said " You'll die on this side of Jordan, never setting foot in the land of promise, NOW climb this mountain, take a good long look, cause that's all your getting before I kill you."
   Did the heart of Moses recoil, pulling away from God in a painful "WHY?" (Deuteronomy 34, by the way.).  If not, then How? How is it possible?  To know the answer, I had to look back to another hillside in the life of Moses.

Forty years before this one, He had stood on another hillside, talking with God Face to face, as a man talks to his friend. God Had just affirmed that he would always be with his people, that he would "Go with them." There is a brief pause; and Moses senses that the timing is right to ask what has been burning in his heart, aching in his soul, since the day he journeyed aside to see the bush that was not consumed. He WANTS something... Moses wants to ask God For something special.

The way it is written in the King James, (Exodus 33) is as if Moses blurted it out, face down on the ground, His request having very little to do with what was going on at the time. It seems almost, well,... out of place.
And What he wants is not an assurance that everything will be perfect, that there will always be food, or water for the millions behind him. Not even an assurance that His position is secure as the head of this nation, or that his children will have wonderful lives. Not that he will have many children, and many grandchildren; bright and Healthy. It's not for wisdom, or strength, or wealth.   As Moses stood there in the "Shikina", knees trembling, the mountain smoking and shaking, Moses blurted out what he thought he needed to get him through every moment that lay ahead.

   What was it that would make his Faith insurmountable, unshakable ?
   What would fight off the Why's in his life?

It was this: "I beseech Thee, Show Me your Glory." 
 No kidding.
 At that moment in "The Presence." Moses could have asked for anything. ANYTHING.
So what was the most important thing in his mind? The thought that burned in his heart?   "I want to see your Glory." That is what is most important to me,.. Not my survival in this wilderness, not my hunger, not my pain. God, Here and now, with this massive undertaking before me, I am asking you for one thing....

    "I beseech thee, Show me your Glory."

Moses was not allowed to see God's glory, for no man could see his Glory and Live. But He Hides Moses in the cleft of a rock, covers him with his Hand, and allows him the briefest glimpse as he passes. That one glimpse was enough to get Moses through the wilderness, past the jealousy and manipulations of Korah, over numerous Foes, the backslidings of a "stiff-Necked" people, a lack of water, a lack of food.... indeed, to many trials to list. In all of this, God always gave Moses what he asked for, always provided for him and these people. But in his lifetime Moses never got the one thing He desired most-  A true look into the Glory of God. 

Back to the Hill Pis-Gah, Land of Moab.The last day of Moses' life.

Moses stands there drinking it all in. God Speaks again; "Have you seen enough?" One last look around, a glance downward to the camp,... Moses steadies himself, looks up into the heavens, and starts to respond in the affirmative. There is no "why me?"  in the mind of Moses. He pauses in his response,... Reflective.... His Life is over, done, finished. Gone as assuredly as the wind.   Still, a grin springs to his face, stretching it wide. Truth is, Moses never cared about the promised land, or anything else in this world. The "Yes." freezes on his lips as he imagines what is about to happen, as he feels the presence of GOD draw close. No, Not a simple yes. He know's what he wants to say....  He moistens his parched lips,.. Clears his throat; and as the wind begins to pick up,... Moses shouts into it's noise: 

          ..."I beseech thee... Show me your Glory! "

"I am BARRABAS."

  My children will do the strangest thing before a movie plays. Whether we happen to be in a theater or snuggled up at home, doesn't seem to make a difference. As the title sequence fades, and the characters are introduced; one of my children ( usually Jaiden) will begin to "assign" characters.
 " Isabella," he will say, "You're that girl." "Daddy," he indicates someone else, " That's you."
My character is usually a sideline role, and usually not the one I would most readily identify with. For instance, During the spider man movies I got to be "Uncle Ben". The hero roles, of course, he reserves for himself. It can be quite funny at times, and I must say that I really haven't quite figured out why he does it, or how it has spread to his sister and I.

  I told you all that to explain why when I watch movies now, as the story unfolds I often wonder; "Who would I be if this story were real?" Weird, huh?


 Tonight I watched Mel Gibson's " The Passion of the Christ".  As scene after scene unfolded, I was completely engrossed, drawn into the brilliance  of this portrayal. Even though I have seen it before, I was "choked up" more than once. I became so involved in the story that I never thought to assign myself a character while the movie played.

  There were many great scenes, and later, as I recounted them in my mind I began to wonder who my character would have been. I replayed the scenes, searching for the best fit. Who would I have been if I had been there?

  Well, let's see. The movie opens with Christ's prayer in the garden, and Peter's inability to stay awake and pray with him. Later Peter lashes out, cutting off the ear of the High Priest's servant, and then Caps his performance with a denial of Christ... Not once, but three times.
   I too have "slumbered" when the need was for someone "to watch and pray"...   I have lashed out when things weren't the way I wanted them, and hurt others. I too have denied my "christianity" when I thought it inconvenient. Could my Character have been Peter?!
   What about Judas ?! Not a popular choice to identify with, But I know that I have been guilty of "selling out" and accepting something that was never God's will in exchange for betraying my own principals and convictions. I have wept over my own "thirty peices of silver".
   Maybe I was one of the Roman soldiers, demeaning and arrogant, oblivious to what is REALLY happening, and justifying my actions with " I didn't know who he was, I was just following orders!"  Was I Cassius, the soldier at the foot of the cross?

  I weighed and balanced Characters:  The woman taken in Adultery, the Sanhedrin court, Pilate and the foppish Herod, the disciple who cared for Mary. I considered Simon the Cyrene, the criminals on the other two crosses, and Barabbas.
  The scene of the crowd choosing Barrabas played again in my mind. As the condemned murderer is set free, I felt myself actually loathing him as he taunted the guards, and raised his arms in jubilant celebration. How could he not know what his freedom had cost?!  Briefly his eyes meet Christ's, and the smile fades from his twisted grin. The director intends to portray something passing between them, but what? Did Barabbas, a man already condemned, ever wonder about this man who died in exchange for his life? Did he ever try to make the best of his " second chance" ? Did he feel obligated to do something Good and right with his life afterwards? We can suppose it so, but we can't really know.

   As I sat there, considering all the players in this drama; disecting their individual faults and flaws, it suddenly dawned on me... I wasn't a single character in this film.

  I was all of them.
I am Peter. I am Cassius, and Pilate. I am the High Priest, and the angry crowd. I am the sinner forgiven, and unwilling participant drawn to the cross. I am all of the characters that lived through this story, even though it hurts me to admit it. I am nothing good, and nothing worth dying for, and he did anyways. I am all of them, and I am Barabbas.

" Set your own Bar"

   I am not a "Fire-God". No one will ever accuse me of being the most intelligent firefighter in America, or even at my department.I don't think I'm superior to any of my brothers, or deserve more or better than anyone else.I don't think I know it all, or have all the answers. So feel free to read this blog, not as an instruction, but as an observation; One firefighter to another.

  A few days ago, I was talking with a couple of friends about an upcoming race we entered. This race is the  Marine Corp "Ultimate Challenge" Mud run  We were all excited about the race, discussing strategy,( For finishing, not neccesarily winning) Training routines, and naturally our mental approach to the obstacles we would face. One of the other firefighters asked me if I had ever seen the movie "Gattica." The plot of the movie in question is irrelevant, and most would find it boring. But when I replied in the affirmative, he reminded me of a scene I have included here. In this clip, the "genetically inferior" of two brothers reminds his brother that he had once bettered his brother @ swimming, and in fact saved his life during a game of " Chicken". In their version, they brave the cold waters of the Atlantic, and continue swimming out until someone "Chicken's Out". After swimming out as far as he can, the brother who is "genetically superior, pauses... gasping for air, and exhausted he cries out: " How are you doing this ?" How did you do any of this ?" His brother replies, " You want to know how I did it ?! This is how I did it Anton! I never saved anything for the swim back!"

I like that saying. WE hear motivational quotes all the time. And motivational quotes are good, we need them. They help us encourage each other, pushing ourselves to better effort by inspiration. These quotes allow us to reach deeper, push farther, stronger....

 Quotes like: " Don't let your minimum be you maximum."

 " leave it all on the field."

" Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence."

" We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not a trait, but a habit."

“If you only do what you’ve always done, you’ll only be as good as you’ve ever been.”


  I love quotes, and the line that Nick quoted from the movie started me thinking. It's a great line... " I NEVER saved anything for the swim back!" I watched part of that movie, and took this from it. The main character had been unable to beat his brother when he competed against his brother. His success came when he refused to let someone, (something, some place, some environment, some obstacle) set the "Bar" for his performance. When he couldn't beat his brother in a race into the middle of the bay,( The place where there was enough energy left for the swim back)  He set his own bar. He would swim all the way to the other side, or drown.

  I don't want this thought to be anything other than simple, so I'm stopping here. I think every saying, every quote can be linked back to this
       "Idea". The idea that we are born of " Free Choice", a choice ordained by GOD. And the way to conquer is not through competition, or judgement of others performance, but in setting our own "Bar" at a height we choose. And when we refuse to accept anything from ourselves other than success, regardless of the consequences, we will be incredibly surprised with the results.


  Ecclesiastes 9:10 " Whatsoever thy Hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; ...."

Colossians 3:23 " And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the LORD, and not unto men;"