The Phantoms of silent hall

His weary footsteps echo in this hallowed hall,                

It's divinity born of ten thousand calls,
Where a thousand men-
Better than him,
Scattered pieces of their souls.
Across the floor, along the walls,
His mind projects each hopeless cause,
A spectral play, the scenes of day,
The phantoms of silent hall.


The seconds count the minutes by-
Hours come and go.
Is there never now to be a time,
when in darkness he can close his eyes,
Leave images lie still behind-
Let peaceful dreams unfold ?

Not tonight.
Spectral plays this endless day,
The pounding arm of the clock betrays,
The phantoms in the hall.

Heavy burden, not of flesh,
But his to carry none the less,
Sweeps peace aside and spills regret,
As he walks the noiseless hall.


 Contemplation, born of same regret, fueled by doubt,
becomes merciless threat,
to the sleep he would recall.
What might have been, what should not be, what he could not help,
now can't unsee,
 plays spectral on the walls; taciturn, unpaused.
Then from his trembling lips slips sigh,
A Doppelgänger to the anguished "WHY" ?
still smoldering in his mind.


Why? 

There is no reason why.
The answer then, Can never lie-
In how GOD answers that cry,
But each man must find inside, 

a reason all his own.

for the phantoms of the hall.

Five Blocks and another world away-
in deepest peaceful slumber lay- tiny boy and little girl,
Tousle headed, dreams secure,

 at the end of a quiet hall.

And for these two, he'd long endure,
Sisyphus' or Atlas' chore,

shoulder the burden, stand his tour, 

preparing his way,

under the watchful gaze, 

Of the Phantoms of silent hall.

Diary of a Divorcee, Part 1

  Even now, sitting here in front of this screen; I am unsure of EXACTLY what it is that I am doing. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay, because I have seen with my own eyes the elephant in the room.

ELEPHANT?
   
  Yeeeessss,  I guess it could have been a Gorilla, but I prefer to think of it as an elephant. A gorilla may or may not be out of place, depending on what kind of party it is, but an elephant? Elephants definitely DO NOT belong in the parlor. And even though he doesn't belong, the majority of us would be more content to distribute our guest's tea cups around the elephant, maybe cover him with a doily... anything to avoid discussing his presence. But he's not going away just because we refuse to deal with him.

So what is this Elephant, Phillip ?

I'm glad you asked. The Elephant is simply the number of real Christian men and women who, for whatever reason, suddenly find that they are now divorced.   WHOAA!!!! Wait a minute... Stay with me. I'm not here to discuss the biblical obligations, or the ramifications of divorce. I'm not willing to get wrapped up in a debate about ethics
.
This is about people.

Maybe not "YOU", maybe it's other people;but it's people that no matter what side they were on, are REALLY  hurting. People that want to know that someone else understands the way they are hurting, and has felt the same wash of anger, frustration, and bitter loss.
 I have often thought someone should tell these people they are not alone, should NOT be concerned with how they themselves will be perceived. They should lower their guard, let people think what they will, and hope that their laughter, or tears, makes them feel a little less alone.They should understand this need, hear it begging to be filled, and step up to the plate. Someone should.

   I didn't want to be that person. Not because I didn't want people knowing what was going on with Phillip or because I was worried what they might think about me. 
Oh,..Wait --  It was for precisely those reasons.
Regardless, I will still do this, even if everyone I know hates it.  I will not try to teach any lessons or show anyone how to do things better. This is my life. This is real. I've been there too. Draw your own conclusions.   Let's begin with this date...... and boy was it a doozey

1/23/09

   Today. Today began like most others, with a sunrise. The alarm goes off (mine really makes the MOST annoying set of beeps in the whole world.),  It starts off at a low volume, a steady beep-beep, beep-beep.  The beeps seem to say: "get-up, Phil -up".  The longer it goes unattended the louder it gets... building to somewhere between the neighbor's dog barking, and a jet engine. BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP!!, BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP!!!! "GET-OUTTA- BED!" "WHO CARES-THAT-YOUR- DEPRESSED!!!".  I lay there until there's a knock on the door. It's the neighbor's dog. He's annoyed because he's trying to sleep and my alarm is keeping him up.

   So I get up. I go to my second job today, a job I took because I couldn't handle the days I was spending alone, and because it pays me money.
The night before, I had called the EX. She thought she had kidney stones and no longer has health insurance. She doesn't have health insurance because I refused to pay for her insurance after the divorce. We get along for the most part, but I (much to my chagrin) had taken her insurance away right after the divorce. I didn't take anything from our home and I let her have whatever terms she asked for. I NEVER wanted to be divorced, and the pain was too much,.. I couldn't fight her.
 I carried enough guilt without that. I KNOW  that for the last two years of our marriage, I did absolutely nothing to remind her how special she was, or to love her the way Christ loves the church. I had resented the fact that she stayed home with the kids while I worked two jobs, and still struggled to make ends meet.
I resented her, because everything I did was for her, and I knew that I wasn't getting it done. If I wasn't getting it done, it couldn't be my fault right? It had to be because of the demands I perceived were being leveled at me, to give more, make more, get better things, not for me, but for her.
Demands which, just by the way, she never actually verbalized. I found out later, these expectations were phantoms.When she pointed out that she had never asked me for those things, I could only reply  "But that's what I FELT I had to do... I knew you deserved better than what I was giving."
 When I found out that another man was in the picture, spending more time with my children than I did, I was furious. I stormed into H.R. at my job, and with a stroke of the pen, snatched away her insurance. I could have simply asked her to reimburse me. She would have. But I didn't. I was angry, and I reacted. And Now, I am Ashamed.

  As I get ready for work, the conversation of the previous evening echoes in my head. Hearing the pain in her voice, my kids playing in the background. I had gotten on the phone with them, told them how much I missed and loved them, and then I cried... alone. I miss my children... A LOT. I know they don't understand, and they hurt too. I know WE  are responsible for that, And I am ashamed.   When we got off the phone, I had offered to take the children, even though I also heard her boyfriend in the background. I fought down anger, and then resentment, and offered anyways. Not a real sacrifice. They are my children.  And even though I've had them 4 days out of the last week, I would take them again. The brief periods when they are with me are the brightest spots in my "divorced life."

   She said she would call back and never did. So I called her this morning. No answer. I brush it off and go to work.  I work part time for the family YMCA, in the water, four hours at a time, doing therapy with autistic children and patients with spinal cord injuries, or illnesses that make conventional land therapy impractical.I am NOT a therapist, but I work for one.   The day is full, and just distracting enough so I don't really have to think much about the EX/SICK/KIDS situation. It's over quickly.  I fill another hour or so working out in the gym before I go home.
 On the way home, I see that I've missed a call from her, so I call back.    She answers this time, And I am overwhelmed with sympathy. She sounds pitiful. I want to drive to where she is, and take her o the hospital myself. Instead, I get on the interstate and head home. She says she knows I have to work at the fire station tomorrow , and doesn't want me to get the kids. She has help she says. I hear him in the background. He's playing X-box with my stepson, and they are laughing and talking in excited tones.I feel like an outsider looking into the world that should have been mine, and I feel alone. So I ask to speak to Jaime (my stepson), and as he's telling me he loves me, I hear something else.

     I can visualize what happened. My youngest (two) has strolled up to the television and displaying his knack for mischief has gotten in the way of the screen, or hit a button to change the channel. In a loud voice, I hear "this guy" say "UN-UH!".
 He's correcting my son!! .my blood boils.
I try to hold it together, but when my EX is back on the phone I tell her what I intend to do if I EVER hear him raise his voice to my kid again. I ask her to handle the situation, but she hangs up on me.In my anger, I've completely forgotten how sick she is, how little she needs this right now.
  A second later the cell rings, and it's her number.
 I answer, but it is most definitely not her. "THIS GUY"  is confronting ME, saying he didn't do that and now-- WELL-- Now it's on. Like Donkey Kong.

  Trying to refrain from verbiage that could land me in jail, I inform "the guy" that I HEARD HIM say "UN-UH" to my child  (is this sounding ridiculous to anyone yet?) and he had better never address me again, in any fashion.I'm so angry I'm shaking. I hang up. 
 What just happened? It was so quick, I don't even know. I know I'm angry, angrier than I've been in quite a while.
As my blood pressure returns to normal, I know something else.

 I know that what I just did is sin.

Later on I pray, and ask God to forgive me. He lets me know that I have to ask the same of this man and my EX. So I text message an apology... it is all I can do at the time. I can't fix this, and I feel helpless, lonely, and  ashamed.
I have just failed to be Christian in a situation where it could have made a world of difference.   Why?  Because he said "un-uh" to my kid.
WOW... Phillip, way to blow things out of proportion.

   Tonight I try to remind myself that we all fail sometimes, and that God is merciful. But today, I know that I could have done better, and I am ashamed. I tell myself I am only human, and mistakes happen. It sounds lame, even in my ears. Today I confused emotions, allowed myself to be reactive, and severely crippled my witness. 
Why? 

Because someone whose presence I resent told my child "un-uh." Tonight I AM ASHAMED.

Why Me, God?

 


  The wind rushed across the hilltop and scampered into the valley below, a gleeful child rushing headlong into mischief. It paused only long enough to inspect the Old Man on his way upwards, ruffling his clothes and tugging playfully at his beard before it raced away. The breeze was wonderful against his skin for just a moment, and then; like most things, was gone.  He paused, looking in the direction the wind had gone. After a moment, he sighed, and slowly began to climb again.   The summit was only a little further. The Old Man stumbled across the last few feet of jagged rock, His lungs burning, tongue thick with thirst. The only thing holding him upright was a long walking stick held in his right hand. His left hand, still remarkably steady; pushed his beard back down against his chest.

  His breathing came ragged as the Old Man turned westward, into the setting sun. There before him lay a winding river, it's crimson sparkles a tribute to the majestic sunset before him.  A fish lept near the far bank, the ripples it set off flashing crimson, then ruby, then dark, in a slowly expanding circle.A few large water birds moved awkwardly through the shallows, until startled by something moving along the bank. Instantly,they bounded upwards into even more ungainly flight, wings flapping desperately for altitude. The two small deer that emerged from the brush lowered their heads to drink, unaware of the disturbance they had caused.

  The land past the river rose gradually upward, gentle hills, nothing like the jagged slope he had just traversed. A forest spread northward from these hills, deep green and healthy; He could almost smell the heady scent of the cedars that reached out of it's heart.  Away to the south, everything was a lush, beautiful green, the deep color that resonates in the souls of Shepherds and farmers alike. It was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

  He drew a deep breath through his mouth, the breath one might would expect from a man that had just climbed the grade behind him. But this breath had nothing to do with physical conditioning. It was an impulse created by something entirely different.  It was a sound that had started in the wind, creeping into his consciousness, becoming,... a voice.The voice was soft but easily discernible, warm and firm. It was a voice the Old Man knew, and was comfortable with, but this moment of recognition had always left him breathless. Even now, hearing the voice in his ears; he was aware of things that he had not noticed before. For instance, His ears heard the voice, but could tell no direction. And the voice echoed; no,... it flowed through him... like he was hearing it not just in his ears, but also with his heart.  The voice was speaking... the voice of GOD.

"Have You seen enough?" There was nothing in the voice that hinted of the import of the statement, but the Old Man's heart leapt within him. He knew what he was being asked, And his heart stretched toward that horizon, eyes straining to drink in every detail of the scene before him.  40 years he had been longing for this place. Wishing to be right here, the people below, the promised land beyond. He would plot a way to cross, and they would move to claim the promise of Abraham; a land flowing with milk and honey. That had been the plan...until two days ago.

   Slightly more than 48 hours ago the voice of God had spoken to him, telling him he would never set foot in the land before him.  He would never own a piece of the promise he had carried for forty plus years. His dream was destroyed. There would be no peaceful retirement, No Bountiful farm by the banks of that river. His heart ached to taste it, touch it, smell "IT". He longed to experience it with something other than his eyes, someway to burn it into his soul.  Hadn't "HE" led these people out of Egypt? Hadn't "HE" laid his life on the line over and over again for these people, negotiating against their destruction with Almighty God Himself?  Why was it he had been singled out ? Why had he been deemed unworthy to hold his dream? "WHY ?"

Did these questions actually burn in the heart of Moses? When he heard God's voice, did Moses  choke on the WHY? When God said " You'll die on this side of Jordan, never setting foot in the land of promise, NOW climb this mountain, take a good long look, cause that's all your getting before I kill you."
   Did the heart of Moses recoil, pulling away from God in a painful "WHY?" (Deuteronomy 34, by the way.).  If not, then How? How is it possible?  To know the answer, I had to look back to another hillside in the life of Moses.

Forty years before this one, He had stood on another hillside, talking with God Face to face, as a man talks to his friend. God Had just affirmed that he would always be with his people, that he would "Go with them." There is a brief pause; and Moses senses that the timing is right to ask what has been burning in his heart, aching in his soul, since the day he journeyed aside to see the bush that was not consumed. He WANTS something... Moses wants to ask God For something special.

The way it is written in the King James, (Exodus 33) is as if Moses blurted it out, face down on the ground, His request having very little to do with what was going on at the time. It seems almost, well,... out of place.
And What he wants is not an assurance that everything will be perfect, that there will always be food, or water for the millions behind him. Not even an assurance that His position is secure as the head of this nation, or that his children will have wonderful lives. Not that he will have many children, and many grandchildren; bright and Healthy. It's not for wisdom, or strength, or wealth.   As Moses stood there in the "Shikina", knees trembling, the mountain smoking and shaking, Moses blurted out what he thought he needed to get him through every moment that lay ahead.

   What was it that would make his Faith insurmountable, unshakable ?
   What would fight off the Why's in his life?

It was this: "I beseech Thee, Show Me your Glory." 
 No kidding.
 At that moment in "The Presence." Moses could have asked for anything. ANYTHING.
So what was the most important thing in his mind? The thought that burned in his heart?   "I want to see your Glory." That is what is most important to me,.. Not my survival in this wilderness, not my hunger, not my pain. God, Here and now, with this massive undertaking before me, I am asking you for one thing....

    "I beseech thee, Show me your Glory."

Moses was not allowed to see God's glory, for no man could see his Glory and Live. But He Hides Moses in the cleft of a rock, covers him with his Hand, and allows him the briefest glimpse as he passes. That one glimpse was enough to get Moses through the wilderness, past the jealousy and manipulations of Korah, over numerous Foes, the backslidings of a "stiff-Necked" people, a lack of water, a lack of food.... indeed, to many trials to list. In all of this, God always gave Moses what he asked for, always provided for him and these people. But in his lifetime Moses never got the one thing He desired most-  A true look into the Glory of God. 

Back to the Hill Pis-Gah, Land of Moab.The last day of Moses' life.

Moses stands there drinking it all in. God Speaks again; "Have you seen enough?" One last look around, a glance downward to the camp,... Moses steadies himself, looks up into the heavens, and starts to respond in the affirmative. There is no "why me?"  in the mind of Moses. He pauses in his response,... Reflective.... His Life is over, done, finished. Gone as assuredly as the wind.   Still, a grin springs to his face, stretching it wide. Truth is, Moses never cared about the promised land, or anything else in this world. The "Yes." freezes on his lips as he imagines what is about to happen, as he feels the presence of GOD draw close. No, Not a simple yes. He know's what he wants to say....  He moistens his parched lips,.. Clears his throat; and as the wind begins to pick up,... Moses shouts into it's noise: 

          ..."I beseech thee... Show me your Glory! "