Even now, sitting here in front of this screen; I am unsure of EXACTLY what it is that I am doing. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay, because I have seen with my own eyes the elephant in the room.
ELEPHANT?
Yeeeessss, I guess it could have been a Gorilla, but I prefer to think of it as an elephant. A gorilla may or may not be out of place, depending on what kind of party it is, but an elephant? Elephants definitely DO NOT belong in the parlor. And even though he doesn't belong, the majority of us would be more content to distribute our guest's tea cups around the elephant, maybe cover him with a doily... anything to avoid discussing his presence. But he's not going away just because we refuse to deal with him.
So what is this Elephant, Phillip ?
I'm glad you asked. The Elephant is simply the number of real Christian men and women who, for whatever reason, suddenly find that they are now divorced. WHOAA!!!! Wait a minute... Stay with me. I'm not here to discuss the biblical obligations, or the ramifications of divorce. I'm not willing to get wrapped up in a debate about ethics
.
This is about people.
Maybe not "YOU", maybe it's other people;but it's people that no matter what side they were on, are REALLY hurting. People that want to know that someone else understands the way they are hurting, and has felt the same wash of anger, frustration, and bitter loss.
I have often thought someone should tell these people they are not alone, should NOT be concerned with how they themselves will be perceived. They should lower their guard, let people think what they will, and hope that their laughter, or tears, makes them feel a little less alone.They should understand this need, hear it begging to be filled, and step up to the plate. Someone should.
I didn't want to be that person. Not because I didn't want people knowing what was going on with Phillip or because I was worried what they might think about me.
Oh,..Wait -- It was for precisely those reasons.
Regardless, I will still do this, even if everyone I know hates it. I will not try to teach any lessons or show anyone how to do things better. This is my life. This is real. I've been there too. Draw your own conclusions. Let's begin with this date...... and boy was it a doozey
1/23/09
Today. Today began like most others, with a sunrise. The alarm goes off (mine really makes the MOST annoying set of beeps in the whole world.), It starts off at a low volume, a steady beep-beep, beep-beep. The beeps seem to say: "get-up, Phil -up". The longer it goes unattended the louder it gets... building to somewhere between the neighbor's dog barking, and a jet engine. BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP!!, BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP!!!! "GET-OUTTA- BED!" "WHO CARES-THAT-YOUR- DEPRESSED!!!". I lay there until there's a knock on the door. It's the neighbor's dog. He's annoyed because he's trying to sleep and my alarm is keeping him up.
So I get up. I go to my second job today, a job I took because I couldn't handle the days I was spending alone, and because it pays me money.
The night before, I had called the EX. She thought she had kidney stones and no longer has health insurance. She doesn't have health insurance because I refused to pay for her insurance after the divorce. We get along for the most part, but I (much to my chagrin) had taken her insurance away right after the divorce. I didn't take anything from our home and I let her have whatever terms she asked for. I NEVER wanted to be divorced, and the pain was too much,.. I couldn't fight her.
I carried enough guilt without that. I KNOW that for the last two years of our marriage, I did absolutely nothing to remind her how special she was, or to love her the way Christ loves the church. I had resented the fact that she stayed home with the kids while I worked two jobs, and still struggled to make ends meet.
I resented her, because everything I did was for her, and I knew that I wasn't getting it done. If I wasn't getting it done, it couldn't be my fault right? It had to be because of the demands I perceived were being leveled at me, to give more, make more, get better things, not for me, but for her.
Demands which, just by the way, she never actually verbalized. I found out later, these expectations were phantoms.When she pointed out that she had never asked me for those things, I could only reply "But that's what I FELT I had to do... I knew you deserved better than what I was giving."
When I found out that another man was in the picture, spending more time with my children than I did, I was furious. I stormed into H.R. at my job, and with a stroke of the pen, snatched away her insurance. I could have simply asked her to reimburse me. She would have. But I didn't. I was angry, and I reacted. And Now, I am Ashamed.
As I get ready for work, the conversation of the previous evening echoes in my head. Hearing the pain in her voice, my kids playing in the background. I had gotten on the phone with them, told them how much I missed and loved them, and then I cried... alone. I miss my children... A LOT. I know they don't understand, and they hurt too. I know WE are responsible for that, And I am ashamed. When we got off the phone, I had offered to take the children, even though I also heard her boyfriend in the background. I fought down anger, and then resentment, and offered anyways. Not a real sacrifice. They are my children. And even though I've had them 4 days out of the last week, I would take them again. The brief periods when they are with me are the brightest spots in my "divorced life."
She said she would call back and never did. So I called her this morning. No answer. I brush it off and go to work. I work part time for the family YMCA, in the water, four hours at a time, doing therapy with autistic children and patients with spinal cord injuries, or illnesses that make conventional land therapy impractical.I am NOT a therapist, but I work for one. The day is full, and just distracting enough so I don't really have to think much about the EX/SICK/KIDS situation. It's over quickly. I fill another hour or so working out in the gym before I go home.
On the way home, I see that I've missed a call from her, so I call back. She answers this time, And I am overwhelmed with sympathy. She sounds pitiful. I want to drive to where she is, and take her o the hospital myself. Instead, I get on the interstate and head home. She says she knows I have to work at the fire station tomorrow , and doesn't want me to get the kids. She has help she says. I hear him in the background. He's playing X-box with my stepson, and they are laughing and talking in excited tones.I feel like an outsider looking into the world that should have been mine, and I feel alone. So I ask to speak to Jaime (my stepson), and as he's telling me he loves me, I hear something else.
I can visualize what happened. My youngest (two) has strolled up to the television and displaying his knack for mischief has gotten in the way of the screen, or hit a button to change the channel. In a loud voice, I hear "this guy" say "UN-UH!".
He's correcting my son!! .my blood boils.
I try to hold it together, but when my EX is back on the phone I tell her what I intend to do if I EVER hear him raise his voice to my kid again. I ask her to handle the situation, but she hangs up on me.In my anger, I've completely forgotten how sick she is, how little she needs this right now.
A second later the cell rings, and it's her number.
I answer, but it is most definitely not her. "THIS GUY" is confronting ME, saying he didn't do that and now-- WELL-- Now it's on. Like Donkey Kong.
Trying to refrain from verbiage that could land me in jail, I inform "the guy" that I HEARD HIM say "UN-UH" to my child (is this sounding ridiculous to anyone yet?) and he had better never address me again, in any fashion.I'm so angry I'm shaking. I hang up.
What just happened? It was so quick, I don't even know. I know I'm angry, angrier than I've been in quite a while.
As my blood pressure returns to normal, I know something else.
I know that what I just did is sin.
Later on I pray, and ask God to forgive me. He lets me know that I have to ask the same of this man and my EX. So I text message an apology... it is all I can do at the time. I can't fix this, and I feel helpless, lonely, and ashamed.
I have just failed to be Christian in a situation where it could have made a world of difference. Why? Because he said "un-uh" to my kid.
WOW... Phillip, way to blow things out of proportion.
Tonight I try to remind myself that we all fail sometimes, and that God is merciful. But today, I know that I could have done better, and I am ashamed. I tell myself I am only human, and mistakes happen. It sounds lame, even in my ears. Today I confused emotions, allowed myself to be reactive, and severely crippled my witness.
Why?
Because someone whose presence I resent told my child "un-uh." Tonight I AM ASHAMED.
ELEPHANT?
Yeeeessss, I guess it could have been a Gorilla, but I prefer to think of it as an elephant. A gorilla may or may not be out of place, depending on what kind of party it is, but an elephant? Elephants definitely DO NOT belong in the parlor. And even though he doesn't belong, the majority of us would be more content to distribute our guest's tea cups around the elephant, maybe cover him with a doily... anything to avoid discussing his presence. But he's not going away just because we refuse to deal with him.
So what is this Elephant, Phillip ?
I'm glad you asked. The Elephant is simply the number of real Christian men and women who, for whatever reason, suddenly find that they are now divorced. WHOAA!!!! Wait a minute... Stay with me. I'm not here to discuss the biblical obligations, or the ramifications of divorce. I'm not willing to get wrapped up in a debate about ethics
.
This is about people.
Maybe not "YOU", maybe it's other people;but it's people that no matter what side they were on, are REALLY hurting. People that want to know that someone else understands the way they are hurting, and has felt the same wash of anger, frustration, and bitter loss.
I have often thought someone should tell these people they are not alone, should NOT be concerned with how they themselves will be perceived. They should lower their guard, let people think what they will, and hope that their laughter, or tears, makes them feel a little less alone.They should understand this need, hear it begging to be filled, and step up to the plate. Someone should.
I didn't want to be that person. Not because I didn't want people knowing what was going on with Phillip or because I was worried what they might think about me.
Oh,..Wait -- It was for precisely those reasons.
Regardless, I will still do this, even if everyone I know hates it. I will not try to teach any lessons or show anyone how to do things better. This is my life. This is real. I've been there too. Draw your own conclusions. Let's begin with this date...... and boy was it a doozey
1/23/09
Today. Today began like most others, with a sunrise. The alarm goes off (mine really makes the MOST annoying set of beeps in the whole world.), It starts off at a low volume, a steady beep-beep, beep-beep. The beeps seem to say: "get-up, Phil -up". The longer it goes unattended the louder it gets... building to somewhere between the neighbor's dog barking, and a jet engine. BEEEP-BEEEP-BEEEP!!, BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEEP!!!! "GET-OUTTA- BED!" "WHO CARES-THAT-YOUR- DEPRESSED!!!". I lay there until there's a knock on the door. It's the neighbor's dog. He's annoyed because he's trying to sleep and my alarm is keeping him up.
So I get up. I go to my second job today, a job I took because I couldn't handle the days I was spending alone, and because it pays me money.
The night before, I had called the EX. She thought she had kidney stones and no longer has health insurance. She doesn't have health insurance because I refused to pay for her insurance after the divorce. We get along for the most part, but I (much to my chagrin) had taken her insurance away right after the divorce. I didn't take anything from our home and I let her have whatever terms she asked for. I NEVER wanted to be divorced, and the pain was too much,.. I couldn't fight her.
I carried enough guilt without that. I KNOW that for the last two years of our marriage, I did absolutely nothing to remind her how special she was, or to love her the way Christ loves the church. I had resented the fact that she stayed home with the kids while I worked two jobs, and still struggled to make ends meet.
I resented her, because everything I did was for her, and I knew that I wasn't getting it done. If I wasn't getting it done, it couldn't be my fault right? It had to be because of the demands I perceived were being leveled at me, to give more, make more, get better things, not for me, but for her.
Demands which, just by the way, she never actually verbalized. I found out later, these expectations were phantoms.When she pointed out that she had never asked me for those things, I could only reply "But that's what I FELT I had to do... I knew you deserved better than what I was giving."
When I found out that another man was in the picture, spending more time with my children than I did, I was furious. I stormed into H.R. at my job, and with a stroke of the pen, snatched away her insurance. I could have simply asked her to reimburse me. She would have. But I didn't. I was angry, and I reacted. And Now, I am Ashamed.
As I get ready for work, the conversation of the previous evening echoes in my head. Hearing the pain in her voice, my kids playing in the background. I had gotten on the phone with them, told them how much I missed and loved them, and then I cried... alone. I miss my children... A LOT. I know they don't understand, and they hurt too. I know WE are responsible for that, And I am ashamed. When we got off the phone, I had offered to take the children, even though I also heard her boyfriend in the background. I fought down anger, and then resentment, and offered anyways. Not a real sacrifice. They are my children. And even though I've had them 4 days out of the last week, I would take them again. The brief periods when they are with me are the brightest spots in my "divorced life."
She said she would call back and never did. So I called her this morning. No answer. I brush it off and go to work. I work part time for the family YMCA, in the water, four hours at a time, doing therapy with autistic children and patients with spinal cord injuries, or illnesses that make conventional land therapy impractical.I am NOT a therapist, but I work for one. The day is full, and just distracting enough so I don't really have to think much about the EX/SICK/KIDS situation. It's over quickly. I fill another hour or so working out in the gym before I go home.
On the way home, I see that I've missed a call from her, so I call back. She answers this time, And I am overwhelmed with sympathy. She sounds pitiful. I want to drive to where she is, and take her o the hospital myself. Instead, I get on the interstate and head home. She says she knows I have to work at the fire station tomorrow , and doesn't want me to get the kids. She has help she says. I hear him in the background. He's playing X-box with my stepson, and they are laughing and talking in excited tones.I feel like an outsider looking into the world that should have been mine, and I feel alone. So I ask to speak to Jaime (my stepson), and as he's telling me he loves me, I hear something else.
I can visualize what happened. My youngest (two) has strolled up to the television and displaying his knack for mischief has gotten in the way of the screen, or hit a button to change the channel. In a loud voice, I hear "this guy" say "UN-UH!".
He's correcting my son!! .my blood boils.
I try to hold it together, but when my EX is back on the phone I tell her what I intend to do if I EVER hear him raise his voice to my kid again. I ask her to handle the situation, but she hangs up on me.In my anger, I've completely forgotten how sick she is, how little she needs this right now.
A second later the cell rings, and it's her number.
I answer, but it is most definitely not her. "THIS GUY" is confronting ME, saying he didn't do that and now-- WELL-- Now it's on. Like Donkey Kong.
Trying to refrain from verbiage that could land me in jail, I inform "the guy" that I HEARD HIM say "UN-UH" to my child (is this sounding ridiculous to anyone yet?) and he had better never address me again, in any fashion.I'm so angry I'm shaking. I hang up.
What just happened? It was so quick, I don't even know. I know I'm angry, angrier than I've been in quite a while.
As my blood pressure returns to normal, I know something else.
I know that what I just did is sin.
Later on I pray, and ask God to forgive me. He lets me know that I have to ask the same of this man and my EX. So I text message an apology... it is all I can do at the time. I can't fix this, and I feel helpless, lonely, and ashamed.
I have just failed to be Christian in a situation where it could have made a world of difference. Why? Because he said "un-uh" to my kid.
WOW... Phillip, way to blow things out of proportion.
Tonight I try to remind myself that we all fail sometimes, and that God is merciful. But today, I know that I could have done better, and I am ashamed. I tell myself I am only human, and mistakes happen. It sounds lame, even in my ears. Today I confused emotions, allowed myself to be reactive, and severely crippled my witness.
Why?
Because someone whose presence I resent told my child "un-uh." Tonight I AM ASHAMED.
