"Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds onto life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal." John 12:24-25 (msg)
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| firefighter Acosta points to the location of engine 10 on 9/11/2001 |
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the September 11th attacks that cost 2.996 innocent people their lives. The day will arrive, and statements about loyalty, honor, and courage abound. For the briefest of moments, everyone is stirred, and everyone is vocal. For a dozen years, I said nothing when 9/11 rolled around.
I said nothing because I had no idea what to say, or how to communicate what this day makes me feel.
What is there to Say?
On September 11th, 2001, a vast company of men and women; firefighters and first responders, became Heroes. Rising above the ashes of their own destruction; the blinding light and crush of rubble, they were NOT destroyed. They were transformed. The world stood still as they underwent their Apotheosis- from human to HERO; transcending the tangled steel, the choking smoke and dust.
For me, it feels almost sacrilegious to even speak of it.
What do I know of the dedication that takes ? What words would I speak to remind others of the meaning of sacrifice? There is nothing I can contribute to the statement, that they; with their lives, have not already written.
343.
That is the most I have written about 9/11/2001 in more than 13 years. I have always wanted to say something, but have consistently stumbled at communicating how deeply it has effected my life. It was perplexing, looking for some deeper meaning in all of this, seeking words to put here, and coming up empty every time. I often thought that having the opportunity to see the site for myself would provide the clarification I was seeking, and December 2014 I got that chance.
I dressed in the darkness that morning, imagining what it was going to be like to finally stand at Ground Zero. I didn't completely understand why, but I knew that I would want to leave some token of respect there at the memorial-- I had no idea what. As silly as it may sound to some people, I picked up a patch from my department, and slid it into my pocket before heading downtown via the subway. I stopped at Engine 10, and walked through the station, just a stones throw from the site. One of the firefighters took me on a brief tour, and then I made my way through a cold and steady drizzle to the memorial. I marveled at the "survivor tree", found alive beneath the rubble, and coaxed back to life. I stared up at the freedom towers- still under construction, disappearing into a stormy sky. I did my best to take it all in, and to come to terms with what this horrible and cowardly act had meant to me.
While I try to describe for you what I felt, I still find myself struggling for words.The skies were dark, and the rain poured, matching the swirling emotions within me. I was angry, I was sad, I was in awe. Goose bumps walked the surface of my skin as I looked over the list of names bordering the infinity pools. I felt so many different things- pride and anger, sadness and desire- all at once.
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| The Patch I left at Ground Zero |
On the subway ride back to the hotel, I realized I had no more answers than I started this day with. I was disappointed. What was supposed to answer all the questions, instead left me feeling even more disconcerted.
I have thought about that visit many times since.
I think if you were inclined to look, you would find a commonality in all of us who take up the yoke of "Firefighter". Burning in the heart of all of us there's a little "I want to save the World". But saving the world is a dangerous mission, and sometimes a suicidal one. Sometimes, like on 9/11; wanting to save the world will kill you.
What could make someone surrender their own life for the sake of another?
Only Love.
In the scripture above, Christ has just made his triumphant entry into Jerusalem. The excitement of his recent resurrection of Lazarus has preceded him. Caiphas and the rest of the priesthood, worried that the Romans will come and " take away their place", seek to kill him. He could have walked away- in fact; the disciples urged him to do just that.
Love made him stay. You see, He wanted to save the world too, and at ANY cost.
It's staggering to think that the Creator of all the universe values his love for humanity more than he valued his own "physical" life.
Love killed him.
It killed Him, and in doing so gave me life.
On September 11th, 2001, Love killed 343 firefighters.
It killed those brave men and women, but there is no way to estimate how many lives they saved... and maybe it's better that way.
I'll leave you with this little bit of "Ragamuffin Theology".
It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, LOVE is all that's required of man. To love GOD, and to love our neighbors on this "Communal Rock" as much as we love ourselves. Jesus himself said this concept is what the entire law is built upon. ( Mark 12:28-34) That same kind of Reckless, "ALL IN" Love.
Yeah, maybe loving like that will kill you, but it's the only way you can be truly Alive.
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