Diary of a Divorcee, Part II

   A while back I sat down in front of this computer and pecked out an initial entry for a "diary". My intention at the time was to share openly the life of a divorcee, not hiding anything, sharing the triumphs and failures. I quickly learned that doing so exacted a heavy emotional toll... I have sat down here, stared at this computer, and tried to write this second part many times. But the hand that touches fire,.. well, It's not soon eager to repeat it's mistake. Not saying that the first diary entry was a mistake; However, every attempt that followed has ended with resignation, frustration, and ultimately failure. No matter how I conceived the structure, or imagined the detail, it never turned out the way that I knew in my heart GOD wanted it to be. I didn't know what to do.

  This Sunday I sat in church, staring vacantly towards the front,... My mind anywhere but on the words of the visiting minister,... (sorry) As I sat there, I suddenly realized that I was praying. It was an unconcious thing,.. I can't really explain; My heart without benefit of the concious mind, began pouring itself out before GOD. I cannot explain the trouble I've had for the last few months praying for myself,... How difficult it has been or the why... I just know that as I sat there,.. my heart finally did what my mind could not,.. at first so faintly I was unaware of it, then building to a emotional intensity that brought tears to my eyes,.. My heart sent out a distress call. "God,.. This is where I am.... MAY-DAY." I felt HIM almost immediately,... something in my soul was reassured, a promise whispered,.. Something unseen, not verbalized,.. but suddenly,... I knew HE was there like I haven't known for some time. I knew he had a plan to turn this disaster into triumph,.. and I knew he would be with me.
    As for the journal ? well, He spoke to that too. The remainder of this journal will be addressed to my children. Every evening I'm able, I'll sit down here, and write to my children about my day. That is what GOD told me to do... I hope it blesses someone. It is helping me to heal, and I hope it does the same for others. This entry is from christmas of last year, and seemed like a fitting place to start.

  12/25/09
Dear Isabella,

  It's Christmas day, and Daddy misses you. This morning when I got off work, all I could think about was seeing you and Jaiden. I was worried, because Daddy didn't have a lot of money this Christmas, and that would mean that there weren't a lot of gifts. I knew you wouldn't care, But I did. Somehow, even though I knew it wasn't true; for just a moment I felt like my worth as a father was tied to what you would see under that tree. I shook off those thoughts, and drove to the gas station where your mommy and I had agreed to meet.
  I laughed quietly to myself as I pulled into the gas station. Your mommy, as usual, was late. I wasn't angry though... In fact. it made me think of some really good times, things we had done as a family,... everything from shopping to vacations,.... all of which mommy had made us late for. I wish I had laughed more then. It's funny that something that had been a constant irritation to me, was something I thought so fondly of now. How many times had I sat in the car, with you and the boys belted in, car running, waiting for her to finish her hair? I'd blow the horn, and she would come out that door,...

   As I sat there lost in thought, my cell phone rang. It was your mommy. She apologized for running late, and then dropped the bomb shell... My precious angel had decided she didn't want to spend Christmas day with me. I was shocked. "My little Girl"? " I remembered the way you begged to stay the last time you were with me, cried when I took you back to your mother... It didn't seem possible. We hung up the phone, and there you were, sitting in the back seat of the car, as pretty as anything I've ever seen. Just to make sure, I asked again " Isabella,... You don't want to go with Daddy?" You didn't see it, But I was really shaken up. You shook your head "no" without looking at me. I knew how difficult this divorce has been for all of us, and I knew better than to press the issue. I blinked back my tears, kissed your cheek, and asked: "Do you know how much Daddy loves you, Baby?" You nodded slowly, your voice just slightly more than a whisper,... "yes" you said. "how much?" I asked. " The big, big, big, big, big much." you replied, the same answer you've given to this question ever since you were a toddler. I smiled. You smiled. I knew this was were I had to leave things today. And I did.
I put Jaiden in the car, finalized arrangements with your mommy, and watched as she climbed into the car and drove away,... taking my Angel with her. I missed you today. I just wanted you to know. Merry Christmas, Angel,.. Daddy loves you.

12/25/09

Dear Jaiden,

   I look down at you sleeping here in my arms,.. the movie you INSISTED on watching ( Batman... I have NO idea why,... on Christmas day?!) before bed has barely been on 10 minutes. As I stare down at you, I fight off a very real, very loud, very sincere desire to laugh. It's not how cute you look in your wolverine/X-men pajama's, or how silly it is that you fell asleep so quickly,... It's just,... Your snoring. Not the light easy breath sounds that accompany all children's sleep,... You, my little wolverine,... are snoring so loudly,... I remind myself to write an apology letter to the neighbor's. " Say Phil,... What was all that racket last night?" I hear them asking. " My apologies Jason,... My three year old was snoring." Yeah?, he replies, "Well, you owe me some new windows." It occurs to me how comfortable you must be, how deeply asleep, if you are snoring like a drunken pirate. And I am happy. Happy because it means you know that you are safe. You know that you are loved. and just as I'm thinking this, you move, snuggling closer, both of your arms entwining around my forearm as I craddle you. I look down at you and I am Proud. You are all that a little boy should be... and yet under it all beats a heart so tender,... The tears rise again, and silently, I thank GOD,... What need is there for anything else ? I know I am holding the greatest gift GOD has ever given a human being. I smile writing this... I love you son. Thank you for letting me be your father. Merry Christmas Jaiden, my little super hero,.. Daddy loves you.